Those were the words I finally allowed myself to say. There was this anger boiling within me, but I didn’t want to admit who it was boiling for.

I was worn. Like a favorite toy a kid takes everywhere until it’s hardly recognizable. I thought if I wasn’t careful, I would surely crumble right there on the church stage. Lights on me, people watching my every move, waiting for me to minister to them. But I was the one who needed ministering.

I sat at my seat – the world drifting around me through my fallen tears – and let myself feel it for the first time. Like truly feel it. No holding back. No suppressing.

I was mad.

And I knew exactly who held my aggression.

God had every bit of it.

Being mad at God isn’t an easy realization. It isn’t like when I discovered that I actually enjoy eating sweet tomatoes or that if the banana is a bit green, I can handle the texture that comes from eating it on its own.

Changes in food preferences are easy. It can even be a bit exciting that there are far more cuisines that you now want to experience because of a shift in your taste buds.

But realizing that you are, in fact, without a doubt mad at God.

That’s scary.

I had already taken it upon myself to question God, but I’d never — and I mean never — allowed myself to be angry at Him.

But as I sat in my anger more and more, it stuck. Like a fallen spec of snow clinging to a single blade of grass, it stuck.

God is my father.

I can’t even count on my hand how many times I’ve gotten mad at my earthly father, so it’s only natural that I’d get mad at my Heavenly Father from time to time.

I always thought I had to come to God in this super holy way. But He wants me in every way. Bruised or not. Angry or not. Sad or not. Frustrated or not. Fill in the blank.

So, here I am. Mad at times. Just absolutely wrecked at times. But I’m here in obedience because deep down I know God has my best interests at heart.

That even when I have no clue and feel as defeated and low as humanly possible, I’ll be okay so long as He’s with me.

“Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world.“ – I Peter 5:6-9 NKJV

-Jas